In the middle måndag, Jan 21 2008 

från X3M

Titel: In the middle
Author: Emzi (ME)
Beta: Non. ingen.
Raiting: G
Genre: Romance (DOC. Death of Character.)
Summary: Kärlek är inte lätt.
A/N: Denna blev skriven för en Novelltävling. Den är kort och jag vet inte hur bra den är, men jag fick en idé och skrev. Det kändes konstigt att skriva på svenska.

Jag visste att det inte skulle vara lätt, att alla problem inte bara plötsligt skulle försvinna ur bilden även om hon nu inte fanns med. Det hade ju alltid funnits en massa problem även före jag träffade Alex. Problemen ökade såklart efter det. När jag började ljuga även mera för honom för att kunna träffa henne varje dag.

”Jag blir övernatt till en kompis.”
Jag kunde höra hur han suckade igen. Han var ledsen, det visste jag, men ändå så sa han inget om det.
”Okej. Tack för att du meddela åt mig.”
”Jag ville inte att du skulle vänta på mig. Gå och sova så ses vi imorgon kväll.” Det var ju inte heller helt säkert.
Han mumlade och sedan lade han på utan några ord.

Jag visste att jag ljög och jag visste att det inte var rätt mot honom. Men jag älskade honom. Men jag älskade även Alex. Jag var kär i både två och var i en väldigt svår situation.

”Hana. Är du okej?”
Jag kände hennes tyngd trycka ner sängen en bit. Medan jag fortsatte stirra in i väggen kände jag hur hon rörde sig närmare mig. Kunde jag röra på mig utan att direkt svara på hennes fråga? Ifall jag rörde mig bort ifrån henne signalerade jag ju någonting åt henne som skulle få henne att tänka.
”Såklart”, svarade jag snabbt utan att tänka mera på det. Utan att tänka på att det även var en lögn.
Jag kände hennes läppar på min kind och sedan hennes kropp bredvid mig. Armen lade hon runt min mage.

Lögner efter lögner. Flera nätter hemifrån. Jag kunde inte sluta. Det var omöjligt för mig att bara stanna hemma och på det sättet bevisa åt honom att han ännu var väldigt viktig för mig. Vi sågs nästan aldrig. Han jobbade och det gjorde jag också. Han var hemma under nätterna och jag var borta.
Och när vi sågs så blev allt bara fel.

”Vad vill du ha?”
Jag tittade upp från menyn och såg på honom. Sakta såg jag ner i menyn igen. ”Jag vet inte.”
Han suckade högt. Jag undrade om alla i salen hört det eller om det bara var min hörsel som gjorde sucken högre än den påriktigt var.
”Hur var det på jobbet?”
Standardfrågan. Varför inte bara fråga om vädret?
”Det var väl bra”, svarade jag utan att se upp ur menyn.

Det var alltid lika stelt, lika tyst när vi åt. Jag visste inte vad jag skulle säga och jag kunde tydligt se hur du försökte desperat komma på någonting att säga för att bryta tystnaden. Men alltid förblev det lika tyst och obekvämt. Ingen av oss mådde bra av det.
Med Alex var det så annorlunda.

”Alex!”
Jag tog tag i första bästa dyna och slog till henne med den medan hon fortfarande skrattade över sitt slag. Skrattet från oss båda fyllde rummet.
Jag föll ner på sängen och försökte lugna ner min andning.
Alex föll ner bredvid mig. Hon lutade på sin armbåge och såg på mig. Jag såg på henne och log.
”Du är vacker”, sa hon plötsligt med ett leende på läpparna.
Jag såg bort. Hon tvingade mig att se på henne.
”Jag älskar dig.”

Jag hörde inte mera honom säga det tre orden. Han hade slutat säga dem åt mig och jag hade slutat säga dem åt honom. Ändå visste jag att han älskade mig. Jag hoppas innerligt att han visste att jag hade samma känslor för honom.
Jag ville säga orden åt honom, men varje gång jag försökte så kunde jag bara inte öppna munnen.

”Var är du?”
”Skall träffa en kompis”, svarade jag honom. Jag var påväg för att träffa Alex. Igen.
”Tänker du komma hem inatt?”
Jag bet mig i läppen och funderade på vad jag skulle säga.
”Okej, jag förstår nog”, sa han när jag inte svarade och stängde av.

Det fanns dagar då jag grät. När jag satt hos Alex och grät ögonen av mig. Hon visste såklart om honom, att jag hade en annan. Hon sa aldrig någonting om den saken. Det var ett ämne som vi aldrig pratade om och det var bättre så.

”Hana?”
Jag hörde hur dörren öppnades och hur Alex steg in i det mörka rummet.
”Vad gör du här? Varför ringde du inte mig?”
Hon hade antagligen fått syn på tårarna som prydde mina kinder eftersom hon lade armarna om mig.
”Jag behövde bara lite tid för mig själv”, svarade jag åt henne.
Den första platsen jag tänkt på hade varit hennes lägenhet och om tur så hade jag fått en nyckel av henne.
”Schh. Jag förstår.”

”Jag kommer inte att fortsätta med honom. Jag klarar inte av att bo med honom längre.”
Jag satt på knä på gräsmattan. Mina kläder som jag valt för dagen var svarta. Jag berättade åt henne allt som jag behövde berätta. Allt jag ville att hon skulle veta. Tårar trängde fram ur mina ögon och gled nerför mina bleka kinder.
”Jag saknar dig. Mera än någonting. Varför just du?”
Jag tystnade och lyfte blicken till gravstenen framför mig.
”Jag älskar dig.”

– Humör: :)

– Musik: x3m

textbit tisdag, Okt 3 2006 

 från X3M

”But she needs to get to a hospital.” He looked at rest of the group. All of them looked pretty tired and probably hoping to get home soon. A couple of minutes ago everyone of them were full of energy, where did all that energy disappear? Even he was tired but he knew that someone had to take the little girl, and now that he had the little girl in his arms he didn’t feel like giving her away before he knew that she was going to be okay.

I’m not gonna tell anything about that yet.

3 dagar. måndag, Aug 14 2006 

 från X3M

Igår hade jag en hemsk huvudvärk och höll på att dö pågrund av den, dessutom hade jag ett tredje öga (som sen sprack på kvällen när jag tvättade ansiktet.). Och dessutom kändes det som om jag skulle ha sprukit vilken sekund som helst själv.

Idag åkte Lexa till skolan på morgonen och jag fick vakna helt ensam. Hela lägenheten var tom. Jag har fått ny underbar musik av min kära Nera. Läser lite på en fanfic också.

Imorgon skall jag få träffa min älskade Hipsu som jag inte har träffat på över en månad! Snacka om abstinensbesvär!
Dessutom skall Nera antagligen komma övernatt till mig.

(Jag vill till Anttila NU!)

(The shoes seemed to be on Shinya’s side because they didn’t want to come off, though of course the fact that the both that were fighting with them were drunk and had problems just standing on one foot, gave them the advantage.)

Blanket Friends måndag, Jul 31 2006 

 från X3M

And the first chapter is done and can be read in the LJ.

Nothing more today.

I reached my goal. \o/

These precious words lördag, Jul 29 2006 

 från X3M

Title: These precious words
Author: Izme
Rating: I don’t know
Genre: romance, a bit fluff I think.
Pairing: Shin/someone
Summary: The hard words.
Beta: Nelle (loveyouloveyou)
Disclaimer: I don’t own Shinya, sadly ;)
A/N: kort men skit i det.

These precious words

I never really understood your words, even though they were the most beautiful words I had ever heard. For me it wasn’t words, it was something more, more beautiful. More important. A promise after another. More words. I believed every whisper every sound that your mouth gave me. I believed them because I needed something to hold on in this world when everything else was crumbling apart. You gave me a shelter for the night. A hiding place, where I could be myself. Not need to act anything different. There in your home, in your arms I could relax, let down my guard and just breath for awhile even though that was hard with you there. You made me breathless everytime you entered the room. You made the room glow in a special way, a light that was meant only for my eyes to see.
From the day you kissed me lightly on the lips I knew that I was meant for you, and you were the one for me. Never ever have I thought differently. Your mouth made my insides jump and make cartwheels at the same time. Your soft lips tasted like heaven when they made contact with mine. The sweet taste that I miss all of the time when you’re not on my side.
I couldn’t believe that you really were there and were not going anywhere. I was not just one of the others. I was something special in your eyes too. Everytime you didn’t call and told me were you were I got scared. Was this the end?
But it never was. You always came back to me.
Your eyes were like stars. Shining like stars do in the night. If one could drown in someones eyes I would have drowned in yours.
The smile you gave me made me melt on the spot. I felt like I couldn’t move, and you always had to take the steps towards me. At that time you always gave me a light kiss right on the lips and that just made me, the wet pile on the floor disappear, vanish into the air.
The sweet words you whispered in my ear when I was about to fall asleep with your arms around me and you breathing in my neck. I could feel your warm body against mine, making me warm and fussy inside. All I did was feel, no words needed and they would probably just have ruined the moment.
Sometimes I did make a little sound just to hear you ask.
”What is it Shin?” Always the same words and tone. A little concerned but just a little. I could feel you move up a bit from the matress probably leaning on your elbow. Your eyes were locked on me and could almost feel them in my neck. I smiled a bit but didn’t open my eyes. I let you look at me with a question written all over your face. Every time it was the same thing, you never stopped asking.
”I just wanted to hear you voice.”I heard you laugh a bit and relax again. You kissed my neck for a few minutes and made me all warm inside once again. That was your talent. You always knew what buttons, and where they were, to push. Your hands and fingers traced my body with care, gently like you were scared of scareing me away. I wanted to tell you that you could not do that, but I never found the right words to use. And the fear of using the wrong words made me silent. I chose to keep them to myself.
You kept on kissing me until you reached my lips, and of course did not stop there, but you took a small pause when you just looked into my eyes, with a small smile on your lips. I made eyecontact with you for the first time in many minutes. You touched my chin with your soft fingers and made me shiver.
”Are you cold?” Your voice was just a whisper not to break the moment. The perfect moment.
I shook my head a bit. The truth was that I was burning up more then freezing. Once again I had a hard time to breathe, to get air into my lugns.
Then you kissed me and I thought I was going to faint for loss of oxygen. I felt like I was about to die any second but still I felt more alive then ever.
Your lips left mine when we both needed air too much to continue. A smile formed on your beautiful face. I wanted to remember that moment forever, never forget.
I smiled lightly and touched your face and you took my hand and kissed it gently.
”I love you, Shin.”
My heart stopped beating and I couldn’t breathe. I knew what you wanted me to say and you also knew that I had a hard time saying it. Never had I told another person that I loved him or her. My family of course but besides them, never. I could feel tears in my eyes and I looked away from your eyes so that you wouldn’t see them.
I heard you sigh and I knew that you were sad. Disappointed. Without a word you left the room.
Now I could feel tears running down my cheeks. I did love you more then anything. Didn’t you know that?
Why couldn’t I say the words?
How hard can it be to say three words?
I love you.

always. lördag, Jul 29 2006 

 från X3M

I never really understood your words, even though they were the most beautiful words I had ever heard. For me it wasn’t words, it was something more, more beautiful. More important. A promise after another. More words. I believed every whispear every sound that your mouth gave me.

And again a new thing started. Damn.

But I think it’s beautiful.

Morgonskriv onsdag, Maj 24 2006 

 från X3M

Jag suckade och drog täcket över huvudet men ändrade mig snabbt när jag hörde ett litet gråt från spjällsängen bredvid min säng. Under en sekund var jag uppe på benen och lyfte upp den lilla pojken ur sängen. En snabb glans till sängen berättade för mig att han fortfarande sov och inte blivit väckt av gråtet.

Jag undrar lite hur detta kommer sluta.

English story. fredag, Maj 5 2006 

orginalet hittas här.
Jag lovade sätta ut denna så varsågoda. Antagligen så läser ingen eftersom den är lång. Jag har inte haft någon att läsa den för korrektur så vissa fel kan finnas. Men ändå.

Kiss me, Kill me, Love me.

Small rain drops hit the window and make a small that I listened closely to. I didn’t know why I just sat there in front of the window and looked out at the empty street. There was nothing to look at, no people, nothing.
Maybe it was the emptiness that drawed my attention. Could that be the reason I sat there?
It started to get dark. People started to put their lights on.
I liked the dark. There was calmness in the dark that you could not find anywhere else. And it’s a place to hide in. Hide your own feelings.
Crazy, maybe, but that’s just how I felt. I needed the darkness. I would be lost without it. But I needed the light too. There wouldn’t exist darkness without light.
Lonelyness, why does that exist? Who needs it anyway? It’s the longing for someone. The waiting…
I sighed. I couldn’t understand the world. I just wanted to forget everything. Stop thinking. Stop feeling…
My phone started ringing. I sighed again and looked at it. Slowly I made my way to it.
Hana.
Why was she calling me? Why wasn’t she home yet?
I let it ring even though something inside of me wanted me to answer it. I didn’t want to hear her excuses for not being here.
I sat down on the bed and started looking at the door hopeing that she would come running through it, trying to find words. She didn’t.
I heard footsteps from the other side of the door. A part of me started hopeing again that it would be her.
“Lil!”
I stared down at the floor when Alex opened the door.
Disappointed.
He just looked at me for a while. Don’t look up. Don’t look up. I looked up and noticed that he had a phone in his hand.
“It’s Hana. She wants to talk to you.”
He put the phone on the bed beside me and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with the phone. I stared at the phone for some seconds. Guess I had to take it.
I took the phone but didn’t make any sound. Hana was on the other end, that I knew. I could hear her breathing. That small sound made me calm. The knowledge of her there made me calm down and forget my disappointment on her not being here.
“Lil?”
I bit my lip so that I wouldn’t answer her. The sound of her voice woke up the longing feeling inside of me. The longing for her. I wont answer. No.
I made a small sound to let her know that I was there.
“Why didn’t you answer your phone?”
She went right to the point. No, small talk. No, I’m sorry I’m not there. No, I miss you.
“I didn’t hear it.”
Hana knew I was lying. I never did leave my phone anywhere. I always had it with me.
She didn’t comment on my lie. I could just hear her breathing again. I sighed. Soon she was going to say it. Say that she was going to stay at a friends house or at her parents.
Typical.
“Lilith. I just wanted you to know…” Now she was going to say it. I was right. I knew it.
“…that I’m on my way.”

What?! This was not right! This was not in the script! I couldn’t find any words. I was in chock. I couldn’t believe what I just had heard. Was I dreaming? Had I fallen asleep during the time I sat in front of the window?

I couldn’t find any words. I was in chock. I couldn’t believe what I just had heard. Was I dreaming? Had I fallen asleep during the time I sat in front of the window?

“ I’ll be there soon. Bye.”
A small sound told me that she was not there anymore.
She was coming home.
Now I started hearing the voices from the other room. The living room.
The party. My party. Should I go and be the Birthday girl?
Slowly I stood up and made my way towards the door with the phone in my hand. I opened the door and could see all of my friends standing in the room, talking and laughing. Having fun.
“Is she coming?” Alex asked when he noticed me.
I just nodded. My words were lost and I couldn’t find them.
She was coming. She had always missed my birthday, but now she was coming.
I sat down on the sofa and someone gave me a drink. Probably some alcohol. Defiantly alcohol. I drank it and asked someone to give me more. Alex looked at me with concern. He knew what could happen if I got to much alcohol. He has seen it .
I didn’t care about him. I needed a drink.
The doorbell rang after a while and of course everyone was waiting for me to go and open. I wanted to scream that I wasn’t five years old, but I didn’t. The doorbell sounded again and I stood up.
I made my way to the front door and opened it.
Hana.
She stood there in front of me smiling brightly. I had to look like a fish.
“Happy birthday.” She hugged me quickly and I took a step back to let her in.
I had almost forgot that she was coming. My feelings were having war with each other and I couldn’t make any sense out of them.
For a while I just stood there looking at her. She was so beautiful. An angel on earth.
“Lil? Are you okay?”
I could see the concern in her eyes.
I nodded and smiled to tell her yes. Maybe I was lying a bit but I just didn’t want to see her so concerned. I wanted her to be happy and smile.
She made her way to the living room where everyone were waiting to know who had come. I didn’t follow her, not right then anyway. I just stood there and starred after her. I was happy. I should have been that. Why did something feel so wrong? Everything was perfect.
I shook my head and followed Hana to the living room where she was standing and talking to Alex. I felt a weird feeling ran through my body and mind. Jealous. Shame on me.
There was no reason for me to be jealous. I knew that. But still…
Hana was looking at me and I met her gaze. She made her way through the room towards me. I got the want to run away. Hide. But it was like I were glued to the floor. I couldn’t move. The feeling of something being wrong came back. I couldn’t breath.
“Lil. We need to talk.”
She took my hand and lead me to the room where I had been sitting. Hana closed the door behind us. I was biting my lip. Let us say that it’s a bad habit I can’t get rid of.
“I have something important to tell you, but first…”
She put a hand on my shoulder and kissed me on the lips. A sweet taste filled my mouth . I kissed her back. This was real. I put my arms around her and pulled her against myself.

Kiss me.

She pulled away.
Wrong.
“Sit down.” She sounded serious.
I sat down on the bed and looked at her. She wasn’t looking at me. She was looking at everything else. Something was wrong.
“I’ve been offered a job…”
Now she looked at me.
“That’s great.” I thought that was what she wanted me to say.
She nodded. “It’s a really great job..” She started biting on her lip. She swallowed.
“It’s in Paris.”
I starred at her. She couldn’t be serious. I couldn’t breath again. There was something blocking the way.
“No.” I looked down at the floor. “No.”
I wanted to hear her say that she was not going to take the job, but inside I knew that she was not going to say it. She wouldn’t have told me if that was the case.
Wrong.
I couldn’t stay there so I stood up, took my phone and the car keys.
Hana screamed after me but I didn’t stop. I ran out and in to the car. The car started and I backed it out of the driveway.
I didn’t know where I was going just that I couldn’t stay there.
Tears ran down my cheeks and I did nothing to stop them.
Hana was going to move to Paris. No.
She was calling me but I didn’t answer. There was nothing she could say that would make it different or better.
Alex. Hana. Alex. Hana and someone else from the party.
I didn’t answer.

Kill me.

Where was I?
Was I dead? No I wasn’t, I could feel pain and hear someone talking far away. I didn’t open my eyes. I didn’t have the strength for that.
Weak.
I could feel someone take my hand. A soft hand.
“Lil. If you can hear me. I’m sorry.”
Hana. I could hear that she was crying. I wanted to cry.
“Please Lil. Wake up.”

No. I want todie.

Slowly I opened my eyes. Hana was now looking at the floor. She was tired. I could see that.
“Hana.”
She jumped.
“Lil. Thank God!” She hugged me and almost killed me at the same time. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.”
I smiled tiredly. “No, it’s mine.”
Hana looked at me.
“I should have stopped you. You didn’t let me finish. I want you with me. I can’t live without you. I almost lost you and for the second I thought I had, I couldn’t breath.”
I starred at her. She wanted me with her to Paris.
“I love you, Hana.”
“I love you, Lil.”

Love me.

I tåget. fredag, Apr 7 2006 

från X3M

Hon stod där och såg på människorna som satt eller stod i tåget. En kille satt och pratade väldigt högt i sin mobil. Han skrek nästan. Hon vände blicken till en man som tog av sig skon. Herregud, tänkte hon, man skall ju inte ta av sig skon i tåget. Som tur började det inte lukta hemskt illa.
På en annan plats satt två utländska killar och pratade på något språk hon inte alls förstod. Den ena lånade den andra mobil en stund och ringde med den.
Flickan lutade mot väggen hon stod vid. Musiken från hennes cdspelare lugnade hennes nerver. Rädd och asocial var hon. Rädd för människor.
Killen som pratat i telefon steg upp och ringde ibland till någon. Han stod framför henne vid dörren. På en hållplats steg en annan kille in som var en kompis till honom tydligen eftersom de hade ett eget sätt att hälsa på varandra.
Hon stod där och såg på dem. Killen som skrikit i telefonen tog av sig huvan och såg väldigt mycket äldre ut än vad flickan trott först, konstigt hur mycket en huva kan gömma.
Tåget stannade mitt i tunneln och flickan såg sig omkring och fick en film fiilis. Nu händer någonting, tågets bakdel sprängs eller någonting liknande, men inget hände. Efter en stund började tåget sakta åka igen.

– Humör: Bra

– Musik: x3m

Sorgen. onsdag, Feb 15 2006 

från X3M

“Skriv av dig”, sa Ma och Fa (också kallade Mor och Far) när de gav mig denna svarta bok. Vad trodde de riktigt, att alla minnen, all sorg, skulle försvinna om jag skrev ner dem på papper? Säkert. Fast de tänkte väl på mitt bästa ändå. De kanske inte orkar se på när deras dotter inte gör någonting annat än gråter och deppar. Vad skall man göra när känslorna inte vill försvinna? När de krossar ens hjärta varenda en sekund, varje dag? Känslor kan ju inte försvinna, de är precis samma med minnen. Det stannar i ens hjärta för evigt. Helst vill alla ju bara ha bra minnen av sitt gångna liv. Jag har inte bara bra, vilket kanske märks. Mitt hjärta bär på djup sorg. Minnen som får mig och gråta.
Kanske jag borde presentera mig. Jag heter Cindy. Bor tillsammans med mina föräldrar på en liten ö där alla känner alla. Det är väldigt farligt ibland. Man måste vakta sin tunga för att inte säga för mycket om någon kompis.
Min pojkvän hette Jason och han bodde granne med oss. Hade faktiskt alltid gjort det så länge jag kunde minnas. Han var det bästa som fanns i mitt liv. Jag var med honom varje dag och vi hittade alltid på någonting och göra.
Nu finns han inte längre. På grund av någonting dumt påhitt av oss två. Varje dag kan jag se honom ligga på golvet, helt stilla. Hans ansikte var blek o så kallt. Jag försökte skaka liv i honom, men ingenting hände. Det samlades människor runt omkring oss. Jag skrek och grät, men ingenting väckte honom. Hans hjärta hade slutat slå. Mitt liv stannade. Jag ville sluta leva. Han fanns inte längre vid min sida.

Allt hittar man på datorn när man söker lite.

– Humör: Ensam

– Musik: tystnad.

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